Accept your loved ones as they are. It can be heartbreaking to learn that someone is not who we want them to be. But travel + write for us once we understand this, we can form bonds that are much more meaningful. My friend’s young daughter was in utter disarray. She wanted to bring her toy car into the bath so badly. But she also desperately wanted her toy car to stay dry, and this is crucial. She was forced to accept the unflinching truth that she could not get what she wanted: There is no dry water. She wept as it hurt so bad.
I understand. I have occasionally wanted to scream like that little girl, mostly when I have realized that my husband will not act, say, or feel the way I want him to. I have repeatedly needed to acknowledge that he is who he is, not who I want him to be.
Discovering that the universe is the way it is and not the way we want it to be, as well as that other people are who they are and not who we want them to be, can be incredibly painful. The person grunting next to you at the gym, the Evri deliveryman, your partner, your coworker, your child, and your mother: Each of them has a unique nature that will never change to fit neatly within the lines you’ve drawn for them in your mind.
“Water is not dry” takes on a meaning that transcends a straightforward description of H2O and becomes an essential component Moisturizers for Combination Skin in our efforts to construct a better life when heard in this manner. Because, if you haven’t already, you might be working unconsciously under the assumption that you can make water any consistency you want if you just try hard enough. To complete an impossible-to-complete work to-do list, you might be exhausting yourself to the point of illness. You might put in a lot of effort to please a parent in order to get love from them that they can’t give. Through subtle manipulation, bribery, or dominance, you might be trying to get your partner to be more ambitious.
n We can only meet each other as distinct individuals with our own thoughts, feelings, and personalities when we recognize our fundamental differences. That is necessary for developing genuine relationships that place dignity and respect above control.
Although acknowledging the world as it is is liberating, it may come across as defeatist. Because just because you acknowledge the reality that is in front of you doesn’t mean you have to accept it; It entails clearly recognizing it and responding freely.
After the wailing has ended, you are free to make your own decisions if you are able to recognize and then let go of the desire to precisely fit your water, universe, job, or love interest into the jigsaw puzzle of your mind. Your love interests and my husband, on the other hand, are free to develop in their own unique ways rather than becoming our dolls.
You could tell yourself: I will try to find another job or choose to devote more of my time to my work than I am paid to do because I have an impossible job that I cannot do well in the time I am paid to do it, and my manager won’t listen to me. You have options: I’m going to leave my partner because of how he is. Or you could choose: Because my partner is the way she is, I will see how love can develop despite these challenges and differences. You have the option of having a dry toy car that you can play with both before and after a bath, or a wet toy car that you prefer. You have the option of creating a life that is better—one that is not stifled and unchanging because you are putting all of your effort into convincing yourself that you live in a reality you would rather have than the one you are actually living in.
A person builds a better life for themselves and can also motivate the rest of us to live better lives when they truly see that water is not dry.
Although I didn’t agree with many of his points of view, Alexei Navalny was one person who had a clear vision of his reality and refused to accept it. He was able to fight against what many had blinded themselves to because he refused to see things as powerful people wanted him to see them: that Vladimir Putin was more dangerous than we wanted to believe, and that he was not bluffing. The bravery of Navalny cost him his life, but those who chose to participate in the “noon against Putin” protests as a show of strength and solidarity at the Russian presidential election on March 17 continue to show that bravery.
Because Navalny lived it resolutely as himself, speaking the truth, and having the courage to refuse to repeat that water was dry when he knew it was wet, his short life had such an impact.
Moya Sarner is a NHS psychotherapist and the author of When I Grow Up – Conversations With Adults in Search of Adulthood. Bad actors are spreading misinformation online to fuel intolerance.
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